Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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