Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
