The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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