everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
