Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
