I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
