Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
