My liver just broke up with me...
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
