im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
