the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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