I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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