never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
