On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
