I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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