I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
