I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
