her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
