im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
