When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
