so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
