last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
love makes seman taste better
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
