I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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