I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
