Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Drake has all the answers
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
