call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
