Dude my mom stole all your condoms
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
