I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
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Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
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What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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