But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
