Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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