I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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