I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
