genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think weβre doing good
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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