Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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