I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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