I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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