i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
