Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Someone came in the potted fern
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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