I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
