Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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