I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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