Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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