I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
