Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Found the puke drawer
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
