Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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