Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
