I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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