so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
