I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
