he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
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this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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