Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
