Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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