If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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