I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
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For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
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I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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